Always, learning to survive

Most days, I'm fine. I bury any source of sorrow, and don't think about the cause. I proclaim myself to be furiously happy, and I mean it - it is my way of shouting my defiance to the world. It will not break me, and it will not make me angry or bitter or jaded. I will be me.

But some days... Some days I find myself thinking about the past... Last year was a really bad year for me, but out of everything that happened it's not the divorce or the unemployment or the financial difficulties that gets to me... I roll with the punches pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. However... there's one thing that still bothers me quite a lot, and that was losing a very precious friendship. I don't truly let many people close - I've had too many people wander out of my life over the years. It's much easier for me to express my feelings like this than it is to confide in someone one on one. A friend who read one of my poems a while back was silent for a bit, then said "Wow. There is a lot more to you than I would have guessed." I didn't take this as an insult, for this is how I keep things. But it does mean that when someone who I have let get close leaves my life, it is particularly painful.

It's been about half a year since my best friend and I stopped talking, and most of the time, I don't dwell much on it. The hurt lies dormant, but occassionally it reasserts its presence. At those times, I find myself impatiently rubbing wet eyes and wondering why I'm still stuck on this. But I know the answer. I have a few good friends, who I love dearly. However, I lost the one person who I truly felt I could discuss anything with, who I always felt understood and valued by. I sorely miss that. I've tried to establish new friendships and strengthen old ones since then, but I haven't filled that hole, and I don't really expect to. It pains me to admit that I'm still so very bothered by this loss, for my friend chose this. Even though I know it is not because the friendship was not valued on his end, all the logic and understanding in the world can't change the fact that this is still how it feels at the end of the day.

So, please know... if I seem distant, or like I don't really want to engage... I truly don't mean to give that impression, although I know that I sometimes do. That is a lifetime's learned fear of relationships, which I've been trying so very hard to unlearn. I very much want, and need, to be closer to people. It's sometimes rather difficult to convince myself that people want to hear about my musings or, especially, my troubles. So if you wish to help, just remind me that you care, and I'm not a bother.

"What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive"