Real Self, Meet Ideal Self. But do try not to light anything on fire.

Overall, I rather like who I am as a person. I adore me. I don't think that this is egotistical. On the contrary, I believe this to be good, and healthy. Love starts from within and all that. Lots of people seem to miss the crucial step of learning to love and accept themselves. But it's necessary if one wants to approach the world with an open heart. Hrmf... I'm distracting myself again. Back to the topic, me! Anyways, I do my best to embrace who I am and to be mindful of my flaws without being overly critical. When I notice something about me that I don't like, I actively work to try to change it. Those who know me well know that one of the big things I want to change is my aversion to social situations involving people who I don't already know really well.

And I know that a lot of my online friends will be reading this and thinking, "Wait, what? You? Really? But... you posted that video!" Yes, me, really. And to those who didn't know about the video: Geez. Not that kind of video! Get your mind out of the gutter! Seriously.

My online self is my ideal self - confident, friendly, ebullient, kind, outspoken, fearless. It's rather easy to be everything I want to be from behind my keyboard. But I've had a lifetime's worth of experience that has led to some pretty frustrating social anxiety in person. I've been actively working to unlearn this - to place myself in social situations and not run away or shut down. I want so much to be able to display the abundance of joy and love that's a large part of how I define me.

I think I'm doing pretty well with this. Getting involved in the UC Davis Occupy movement was a wonderful choice. Inclusive, accepting group + strong uniting issues = win. I really hope that the friendships that are being built blossom and stuff. Or something. Stuff! I feel like every day I'm becoming more and more the social, engaged me I want to be. I still can't say "hi" to the people sitting next to me in class, but that's okay.

Someday.

Be Mindful of Your Lens

It's kind of strange how fast the telltale wear and tan marks on your ring finger fade after you stop wearing a wedding band. In a couple of weeks' time, by all outside appearances, that ring you wore for years might as well never have been there. Although it is no longer upsetting to me, I still occasionally look at my ring finger in a state of mild bemusement, rub my thumb across the spot on the inside where the skin used to be smooth underneath my ring and is no longer. In contrast, the marks left on who I am as a person may take months or years to go away, or perhaps, they'll never fade at all. This is a strange juxtaposition to me, but nonetheless typical of what goes on inside all of us. So many things in our lives impact us in myriad and profound ways, and it really seems bizarre that these don't have more tangible components. Nonetheless, bottom line, they don't.

But how many of us look at someone and judge who they are based upon the readily visible elements of that person? Sure, we're busy, we have a lot of demands on our time; we can't get to know everyone, and a lot of people don't want to share their story. We're going to form opinions of people - it's how we work, what we're primed to do as social beings in society. But we can try to be mindful of the fact that we don't have all the information, we only have the smallest of slices. We couldn't assess another person's being even if we did have all the information, because we still don't have their perspective. So we really need to make a conscious effort to remember this, to be open to realizing that our perceptions of a person are likely to be partial truths and misperceptions.

Oooh, nice one, Birdinand!

You know how sometimes, you're having a conversation with someone and you see the perfect opening for the perfect joke, and it spills out of your brain and onto your tongue like magic? The words just fit and it's an epic moment, and you want to laugh until your face hurts. The only problem is, your conversation partner was in seriousface mode, and now they're offended, and possibly hurt. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me. Or, rather, I can, but it would take a lot of time and be boring and I don't have the attention span for that, so you'll have to just take my word for it.

When that moment comes, when your friend has just said some variation of "Look, this is serious and I'm serious and you're mean!" the polite response is, of course, to be oh so very contrite. But... don't you secretly wish you were instead saying "Okay, I apologize, here, let me put my serioushat on. Now we can converse," as you pull out a ridiculously awesome chicken hat and put it on? I know I do, and now I can, because one week ago today, I got my ridiculously awesome chicken hat. His name is Birdinand and he not only keeps my ears warm, but he also has the best comebacks any serioushat ever did have, which he illustrated on our very first day together.

Conversation went something like this -
Friend: Just so you know, I'm totally judging you for your bird hat right now.
Me: Well that's okay, because Birdinand is judging you too, and he finds your personality to be just like your beanie: Bland.

And that's how Birdinand earned his name, more or less.

Do we really need to do the whole introduction thing, me?

I am not your typical 23-year-old. Or maybe I am. I mean, when two people take the time to mutually try to connect, they find that they're more alike than different, regardless of surface differences, right? It's a shame that people don't try to connect more often. Positive connections make the world better. But that's not the point. Well, it is a the point, but not the one I was getting at. I do that a lot, so if it bothers you, leave now.

Point is, I don't care if I'm typical or not, because I AM me and I am real, and that's plenty enough for me.