Bad Pun is Bad.

3:15 AM.
High on caffeine. Have to get up early in the morning to go look at apartments. Don't care. Was joking with Mouse that I'll be a zombie tomorrow; I'll be all "I liked that place, let's move into that one," and they'll be all "Crystal, that was a dumpster." But the caffeine was a good idea, drank in the cause of cheering up a good friend. Worth it.

I am dancing in my seat as I write this. Dragula by Rob Zombie is playing on my itunes and I turned it up loud. Don't worry, it's in my headphones. I don't even think I like Rob Zombie, but this song makes me happy. Zak sings along to it when it comes on in his car, and he sounds really badass. I love listening to him sing, even when he's off-key, because he has fun, but he's never off-key when he sings this song, and he enjoys it, so it makes me smile and enjoy the song. That was a long sentence. I should break it up into like... 3, but I won't, because I totally would have said that in one big long caffeinated breath.

So yeah. Colorado. It's cool. Haha get it, it's cool? Like... it's colder and I- ... derp. ^_^ People keep asking me how I like it. Really, it's not all that different. A city's a city. There are people. And buildings. Okay, that's not true... I *did not* like southern Cali at all. But I was happy there, because there were people I cared about and such. I think I could be happy most anywhere, s'long as I'm me.

Huzzah! Found a really old poem I wrote...

While packing, I've been going through papers and such, revisiting old memories. Many make me smile. Some make me nostalgic. One brought tears to my eyes. These boxes contain the physical record of my life, and while some of it is painful, all are important pieces contributing to who I am today.

The best thing so far... I found an old literary magazine put out by my high school back in 2002. Inside, I found something infinitely precious to me - a poem I wrote when I was 13, which I had previously believed to have been forever lost when I had to leave behind most of my things a couple of years later. I look at it now and want to reach back in time to the lonely, sad, lost girl I was then and tell her that everything will be all right, that she will have so many people in her life who love her and she will be happy, and thank her for hanging in there and making me me.

I wrote this poem so long ago... looking at it now, I see many ways in which I could edit and improve upon it - some of the words I used to make a rhyme scheme make me cringe now - but somehow, I think it's better to leave it as is.

Shattered Innocence

She came into this world, 

expecting everything to be fair,

treating every person

with infinite care.

She came into this world, 

smarter than most

but at the same time naive,

thought nobody would lie, cheat, or boast.

She came into this world,

as a delicate flower

drinking in the knowledge

that would lead to power.

She came into this world

knowing that nothing could make her pretend

that she was who she wasn't

so nobody called her their friend.

She came into this world, 

loving, just, kind and alone

But in a world like ours,

she could only learn a hateful tone.

Leavetaking (draft)

I smile, you smile back

Hugs are exchanged

"This isn't the end, we'll meet again."

Although we both know it is and we won't.

'tis the fate of friendships

built upon convenience.

It's not intentional but it's true.

But don't let that negate 

this all but unnoticed transfer of pieces

making us more than we were before

A featherlight brush upon our souls

Made no less meaningful by its subtlety.

So if in 10 years you don't remember my name

nor I yours...

it will be okay.

For our hearts will retain this minute impression

from the ones we've called friends.

Making sense is overrated. I'd much rather make happy.

Chances are, if you're here, you've gotten the above phrase from me at least once. If you haven't you will soon. It's my standard answer to any variation on people telling me that I don't make, or need to make, sense. Which happens more often than you'd imagine... or, well, okay, maybe just about as often as you'd imagine. ^-^''

But there's a reason why I skip and proudly wear mismatched socks and refuse to take things seriously whenever possible. And it's not because I haven't a care in the world, although the rumors are true - my head *is* full of flowers. It's because I choose happy. Key word there is "choose." I choose to see the world through a lens of happy, of hope and beauty. It's my form of defiance, my banner, my comfort in the face of the bad. Focusing on the happy doesn't mean there is no negative stuff, but it sure does make that negative stuff a lot easier to process and take in stride.

Your view of the stage is all about where you're sitting. Come and sit with me, lovelies.

This is not me being emo...

Aaaand now you've probably all assumed that this is totally me being emo. That's okay though.

The following is free thought on a specific subject to capture emotions and thoughts on the matter, because I think it will be good writing material to tap down the road, perhaps for a story, perhaps for a poem, since the emotions behind it are powerful and, I think, relate-able.

Do you ever wonder what I'm doing now? Do you think of me when you see something you know I'd like, and wish you could share it? Do you ever wish you could still talk to me about anything or everything? Do you ever miss me? Is it wrong of me to hope that you regret giving me up?

I have no regrets. We tried, but you weren't ready for what I was offering. I understand that, and I do not begrudge it. It brings me sorrow that we were not able to remain friends, and I miss the part you used to play in my life. I will admit, I did resent you for a while for not trying harder to keep our friendship intact afterwards. It seemed like you must not have valued our friendship as much as I had thought - you were my best friend, and yet you were able to walk out of my life. I did not, could not understand. To me, it was a simple matter - even if you didn't want to be with me, we had been friends for years, and you obviously cared about me a great deal. We had promised each other that if things didn't work out, no matter what, we would still be friends. And then everything seemed to evaporate. I still don't understand how you could bear to run away so completely. We were going to be friends forever, and my friendship is worth it. But time has given me perspective and I know that few things are as simple as they seem, especially when emotions are involved.

Your silence was the worst of it, worse than the hole you left. Your silence allowed me to hope, and for so long, I did. I waited and hoped to hear from you again. After I had long since given up hopes of a romantic relationship with you, I hoped that you would walk back into my life, that you just needed time and space before you were ready to resume our friendship. It took quite a while, but I was eventually able to stop hoping. But oh, how it hurt, the day I gave up on that hope, the day when I made myself delete every way I had to contact you. No amount of tea, slinkies and overly loud music dampened that pain.

Would you be happy to know that I now have someone I love who is able to let himself love me back? I hope so. I hope you find love and happiness as well, wherever you may go. I am glad to have known you, and I wish you well. I think I will always miss the friendship we had, but I did my best, and my choices, I made out of love. I have no regrets.

Always, learning to survive

Most days, I'm fine. I bury any source of sorrow, and don't think about the cause. I proclaim myself to be furiously happy, and I mean it - it is my way of shouting my defiance to the world. It will not break me, and it will not make me angry or bitter or jaded. I will be me.

But some days... Some days I find myself thinking about the past... Last year was a really bad year for me, but out of everything that happened it's not the divorce or the unemployment or the financial difficulties that gets to me... I roll with the punches pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. However... there's one thing that still bothers me quite a lot, and that was losing a very precious friendship. I don't truly let many people close - I've had too many people wander out of my life over the years. It's much easier for me to express my feelings like this than it is to confide in someone one on one. A friend who read one of my poems a while back was silent for a bit, then said "Wow. There is a lot more to you than I would have guessed." I didn't take this as an insult, for this is how I keep things. But it does mean that when someone who I have let get close leaves my life, it is particularly painful.

It's been about half a year since my best friend and I stopped talking, and most of the time, I don't dwell much on it. The hurt lies dormant, but occassionally it reasserts its presence. At those times, I find myself impatiently rubbing wet eyes and wondering why I'm still stuck on this. But I know the answer. I have a few good friends, who I love dearly. However, I lost the one person who I truly felt I could discuss anything with, who I always felt understood and valued by. I sorely miss that. I've tried to establish new friendships and strengthen old ones since then, but I haven't filled that hole, and I don't really expect to. It pains me to admit that I'm still so very bothered by this loss, for my friend chose this. Even though I know it is not because the friendship was not valued on his end, all the logic and understanding in the world can't change the fact that this is still how it feels at the end of the day.

So, please know... if I seem distant, or like I don't really want to engage... I truly don't mean to give that impression, although I know that I sometimes do. That is a lifetime's learned fear of relationships, which I've been trying so very hard to unlearn. I very much want, and need, to be closer to people. It's sometimes rather difficult to convince myself that people want to hear about my musings or, especially, my troubles. So if you wish to help, just remind me that you care, and I'm not a bother.

"What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive"

Inspiration

So often, I write when I am experiencing some negative emotion or another - sadness, loneliness, melancholy, hurt, doubt, etc... I've decided, more than once, to make a concentrated effort to write the other 95% of the time, and thus let my words paint a truer picture of me. This never lasts long. Writing is how I cope with the things I cannot or will not express otherwise. When something is deeply troubling me, I need to write, and after I do, I feel so much better. But positive emotions! There are so, so many ways I can let my joy shout it's presence in everyday life. I don't need to write about that. Still, I feel that I should. I'm going to make an effort to do that. Here. Enjoy. ... Tomorrow.

>.>
What? I didn't say I was going to stop being a procrastinator!

Well... that was unexpected...

...and not in a digging-in-the-freezer-and-finding-an-ice-cream-bar-you-didn't-realize-you-still-had-which-is-still-absolutely-delicious kind of way. ... unfortunately.

Recently, I did something which I am not proud of... at all. I acted in a stupid, selfish manner, and in so doing hurt a dear friend while thoroughly muddling things up. After spending a bit indulging in a depressive spiral of self hatred which was not conductive to anything other than making me physically ill, I've come to a more realistic appraisal of events. Rather than telling myself that I'm an awful, horrible person, I recognize that there were contributing situational factors and that if I was indeed such a terrible person, I wouldn't feel so badly. I'm not one to make excuses for myself though. I acted in a manner which does not fit my self concept, in more ways than one, and I am disappointed in myself.

So what am I going to do about this? Well, I'd like to say that I'll recognize that I'm not perfect, not be more harsh on myself than necessary, and learn from this. Hopefully that's how it goes. Right now I'm still in a funk though. There are a lot of other things going on, and my ability to face them head on and keep right on skipping is severely hampered by not being happy with me.

On the flip side, interestingly enough, I can understand something which I didn't before. Yep, always analyzing. Last year, someone who was one of my best friends did something that hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, and drive a wedge into my cracks, and he did it anyways. In the end, it's what he needed to do. I don't begrudge him that, for although there were some unwise decisions made, they weren't made out of malice or any such. Afterwards, he apologized profusely, and told me how much he hated himself. I appreciated the apology, but didn't understand why he took it to the level he did or how he could possibly think I'd want to hear that he hated himself because of something involving me. After all, I understood why what happened did, and would never want anyone I care about to hate themselves. But now I get it, far better than I'd ever have liked to. Maybe this will make a me a better, more understanding individual. I'd like to think so. Probably just means I think too much though. Meh.

Road trips are the best!

Best what...? Haven't decided yet, but they're definitely the best. Took a trip down to the LA area this last weekend. Left at about 9 pm Thursday night and drove overnight. The best part of these drives isn't even the solid 6-7 hour block of awesome musics, although that's a huge plus. My favorite thing about long overnight drives would be the random thought wanderings. Recorded some of them on my phone as I drove (yay smarter-than-me-phone-that-does-this!).

This will probably only be amusing to me, but that's okay.

"Buttonwillow Mckittrick? Seriously? Hats off to whoever named that street."
"Hmmm.... I wonder how many shiny reflecty road bumps there are between Sacramento and LA. Is it more than dashed lines?"
"Oooooh it's the song that sounds like Ireland! If I was driving in Ireland, I bet I'd do it more like this." *demonstrates*
"Crow's Landing? OMG I need to stop there on the way home and leave some shinny bits and baubles under the exit sign!" Note: I did. No word from The Crow on whether or not they've been collected.
"Alan Jackson." Yes, I have a note to self that just says Alan Jackson. It was profound, I'm sure. No, I'm not going to explain. Yes, I love you too.
"If skipping is how your feet smile, what then, is running?"

Then... there were the stars. ^___^ As I got out of the city, into the dark spaces between where anything can happen and the sky itself is full of whimsy and skipping, I started noticing the stars more and more. This shouldn't come as a surprise, as my mind's always been half in the sky. After about five minutes of trying to drive while ogling the sky, I decided that this was not, in fact, the best idea ever. Surprise surprise, eh? ^-^'' So I exited at a random middle-of-nowhere spot, drove a little bit from the freeway and pulled off into the dirt to get out and stargaze. What followed can only be described as several minutes of bliss. No lights, no people, just me and the sky. I danced around, full of joy and awe and peace, in the middle of nowhere. Then... I realized that I was alone on a deserted country road, in the middle of the night, staring at the sky and got back into my car posthaste. Damn you, unsafe world, for raining on my parade! Still, immensely satisfying. Almost as recharging as spending a day in snowy forest. <3

Pizza Night

This one's definitely a foodie post. If you're not interested, might wanna skip. ^^;

I've been making pizzas lately. They're extremely versatile, and something about watching the dough rise just makes me happy. Plus, they go over great when entertaining. I get to be creative AND seem like an awesome chef-type person. Win all around. Had a pizza party Friday night. Here's what went down in the kitchen:

Used the same wheat dough for all of them. Pretty simple recipe that I found online at http://allrecipes.com/recipe/amazing-whole-wheat-pizza-crust/
Nothing fancy, but it did come out rather nice. Will probably use it in the future, but modify it to try using only whole wheat flour instead of a mixture. Realized when it was time to put these together that I seem to have lost my rolling pin, so a bottle of Martinelli's cider became an impromptu rolling pin. Worked much better than expected.

Exhibit A: Vegan Potato Pizza

Thanks to Mich for the idea of potato on pizza! Used my homemade pesto sauce, thin sliced potato, salt, pepper, some random spices, and a light coat of olive oil on top. Simple and tasty. My second favorite of this batch. Next time though, maybe bake the potato slices a little bit on their own beforehand for texture.

Exhibit B: Pesto Pepperoni

Was going to make a traditional pizza for the least adventurous of my friends - pepperoni, mushroom and olive. However, I'm seriously in love with my pesto sauce, so I used that instead of tomato. Conclusion: Yes, pesto does go well with just about anything. Layered the cheese liberally. Probably the least healthy of this batch. Worth it.

Exhibit C: Spicy Hawaiian

My definite favorite of the night! For the sauce, spread a liberal layer of cream cheese and a sweet chili sauce. Cheese, Canadian bacon, pineapple, and jalapeno on top of that = yum! Sweet and spicy in just the right amounts for delicious. <3

Exhibit D: Vegan Veggie

Used pesto, then a liberal layer of roasted red pepper hummus on this one. Topped it with olive, mushroom and sliced tomato. I like the texture and taste the hummus gave it, but felt like it was missing something... I'd say artichoke heart but that sounds strange with hummus... Think I'll try zucchini on this one as well next time.

Couple that with smoothies and games and the night went really well. ^_^

If anyone has ideas for next time, toss 'em out there; I love trying new things. <3

Real Self, Meet Ideal Self. But do try not to light anything on fire.

Overall, I rather like who I am as a person. I adore me. I don't think that this is egotistical. On the contrary, I believe this to be good, and healthy. Love starts from within and all that. Lots of people seem to miss the crucial step of learning to love and accept themselves. But it's necessary if one wants to approach the world with an open heart. Hrmf... I'm distracting myself again. Back to the topic, me! Anyways, I do my best to embrace who I am and to be mindful of my flaws without being overly critical. When I notice something about me that I don't like, I actively work to try to change it. Those who know me well know that one of the big things I want to change is my aversion to social situations involving people who I don't already know really well.

And I know that a lot of my online friends will be reading this and thinking, "Wait, what? You? Really? But... you posted that video!" Yes, me, really. And to those who didn't know about the video: Geez. Not that kind of video! Get your mind out of the gutter! Seriously.

My online self is my ideal self - confident, friendly, ebullient, kind, outspoken, fearless. It's rather easy to be everything I want to be from behind my keyboard. But I've had a lifetime's worth of experience that has led to some pretty frustrating social anxiety in person. I've been actively working to unlearn this - to place myself in social situations and not run away or shut down. I want so much to be able to display the abundance of joy and love that's a large part of how I define me.

I think I'm doing pretty well with this. Getting involved in the UC Davis Occupy movement was a wonderful choice. Inclusive, accepting group + strong uniting issues = win. I really hope that the friendships that are being built blossom and stuff. Or something. Stuff! I feel like every day I'm becoming more and more the social, engaged me I want to be. I still can't say "hi" to the people sitting next to me in class, but that's okay.

Someday.

Be Mindful of Your Lens

It's kind of strange how fast the telltale wear and tan marks on your ring finger fade after you stop wearing a wedding band. In a couple of weeks' time, by all outside appearances, that ring you wore for years might as well never have been there. Although it is no longer upsetting to me, I still occasionally look at my ring finger in a state of mild bemusement, rub my thumb across the spot on the inside where the skin used to be smooth underneath my ring and is no longer. In contrast, the marks left on who I am as a person may take months or years to go away, or perhaps, they'll never fade at all. This is a strange juxtaposition to me, but nonetheless typical of what goes on inside all of us. So many things in our lives impact us in myriad and profound ways, and it really seems bizarre that these don't have more tangible components. Nonetheless, bottom line, they don't.

But how many of us look at someone and judge who they are based upon the readily visible elements of that person? Sure, we're busy, we have a lot of demands on our time; we can't get to know everyone, and a lot of people don't want to share their story. We're going to form opinions of people - it's how we work, what we're primed to do as social beings in society. But we can try to be mindful of the fact that we don't have all the information, we only have the smallest of slices. We couldn't assess another person's being even if we did have all the information, because we still don't have their perspective. So we really need to make a conscious effort to remember this, to be open to realizing that our perceptions of a person are likely to be partial truths and misperceptions.

Oooh, nice one, Birdinand!

You know how sometimes, you're having a conversation with someone and you see the perfect opening for the perfect joke, and it spills out of your brain and onto your tongue like magic? The words just fit and it's an epic moment, and you want to laugh until your face hurts. The only problem is, your conversation partner was in seriousface mode, and now they're offended, and possibly hurt. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me. Or, rather, I can, but it would take a lot of time and be boring and I don't have the attention span for that, so you'll have to just take my word for it.

When that moment comes, when your friend has just said some variation of "Look, this is serious and I'm serious and you're mean!" the polite response is, of course, to be oh so very contrite. But... don't you secretly wish you were instead saying "Okay, I apologize, here, let me put my serioushat on. Now we can converse," as you pull out a ridiculously awesome chicken hat and put it on? I know I do, and now I can, because one week ago today, I got my ridiculously awesome chicken hat. His name is Birdinand and he not only keeps my ears warm, but he also has the best comebacks any serioushat ever did have, which he illustrated on our very first day together.

Conversation went something like this -
Friend: Just so you know, I'm totally judging you for your bird hat right now.
Me: Well that's okay, because Birdinand is judging you too, and he finds your personality to be just like your beanie: Bland.

And that's how Birdinand earned his name, more or less.

Do we really need to do the whole introduction thing, me?

I am not your typical 23-year-old. Or maybe I am. I mean, when two people take the time to mutually try to connect, they find that they're more alike than different, regardless of surface differences, right? It's a shame that people don't try to connect more often. Positive connections make the world better. But that's not the point. Well, it is a the point, but not the one I was getting at. I do that a lot, so if it bothers you, leave now.

Point is, I don't care if I'm typical or not, because I AM me and I am real, and that's plenty enough for me.