Endings, Beginnings

About two weeks ago, on April 19, after 2 years and 2 months, I broke up with Zak. He is a good man, and we do love one another, but I don't think either one of us have been in love with one another for some time now. If we had been, I don't think he would have come so close to leaving me those times over the last year. And I certainly wouldn't have been able to begin falling for someone else, despite the best of intentions in resisting that.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's explain a bit.

Over the last year or so of living together, Zak has broken up with me a few times. After a day or so he'd tell me what a mistake it was and I'd respond with patience and understanding and love but there would be new and stronger insecurities regarding our future together. Without meaning to, I began to put up emotional barriers each time it happened. This increasing emotional distance certainly didn't help things get better. So although the decision to end things surprised me when I made it, in retrospect, it makes perfect sense, and I've began recovering rather quickly. That's not to say it didn't (and doesn't) hurt - if I were writing the story of my life, Zak and I would have been able to understand and support one another and we would have had a lovely future together. However, that's simply not to be.... And the recovery is certainly helped along by beginning a new relationship.

Shortly before I broke things off with Zak, an online friend confessed attraction and feelings for me. I was then forced to examine my relationship with said friend and realize that somehow, it was mutual, that my response wasn't what I expected it to be - 'sorry, I'm not available.' I took a bit of time to make sure I was absolutely certain, and then told Zak. I didn't leave him to be with this other person, but rather because my feelings for this other person force me to admit to myself something I'd been hiding from for a while - Zak is not my forever. We were good together, yes, but there was something missing in the way our interaction styles meshed. I often didn't feel appreciated; Zak often felt pestered. We'd talk about it and he'd attribute it to depression and lack of direction in life, always saying he'd work on it... later. I hope he can work on it, and realize a self that makes him happy if that's what he needs, and I'll support him in that search if he'll let me... as a friend.

I do worry that I'm moving too fast into something new. This new relationship is somewhat akin to a wildfire. The feeling of being understood and completely accepted, of having someone see me and asking me to change nothing... It's quite the potent brew, and not one I've experienced before. I'm not afraid, and strangely calm despite the whirlwind, yet I'm also trying to be mindful of my emotional health in the matter. I haven't always been the best judge of these things. When my marriage ended, I jumped too quickly into a romantic relationship with a friend, dooming it from the start by beginning from an unstable place emotionally. I don't think I'm repeating my mistakes, since I'm in a very different place now than I was then. Then, I was drowning, and looking for something to cling to. Now, there is no desperation, no depression or sense that my world is falling apart around me. I think this is right. I do worry though. But time will tell, and I'm sure I'll appreciate whatever story it weaves.

Allons-y!

No, I meant IRL

Okay, first off, a tangent. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to shower right before bed? My mind races through so many topics, half of them things I'd like to write about, every time I shower. But it's bedtime. That was a terrible idea. But it was also the recommendation of my doctor, back when I had the horrible period of insomnia during which I barely slept for over a month. And I have to say, although many of his suggestions sounded utter rubbish, they did help with the sleep issues.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. Well, not in this post.

The acronym IRL confuses me. Anyone who spends any time on the internet (and I'm assuming you do, dear reader, since, well...) probably knows this stands for In Real Life. I find it especially perplexing when people use this to distinguish their social relations offline vs online. Real Life versus what, exactly? There's nothing any less real about the people on the other side of the computer screen than the people I meet face to face. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I myself am a lot more genuine online than offline. Oh, I choose happy either way. I try to exude positive and make the people around me happy by being there, both online and offline. Whether or not I succeed is another story. But I try. However, online, there are a handful of people with whom I've built rather solid relationships, people who I trust to be real friends to me. With these people, when I'm struggling to deal with things, I can talk about it. I don't need to be Happy with them. I'm not afraid that they'll mock me if I say something dumb, or hate me if I say something careless, or abandon me if I venture beneath the surface of matters, or for whatever reason decide I'm not good enough. At some point or another, I decided to let down my guard with them, and the tangled, tea-infused mess they saw beneath my surface was met with love and compassion.

Now, I'm not saying I don't have any offline friends who I feel completely accepted by, by any means. However, I would say that they are fewer, and much more difficult to establish that trust with. Either way I'm quick to interpret people's reactions to me negatively, and yet, there seems to be so much more room for that in face to face relationships, for me. I'd like to become comfortable with people offline, I really would. There are a few people at work who I think I could become close friends with, if I gave it half a chance. And yet, the idea of starting that process seems an insurmountable challenge, and I find myself doubting whether or not the other party would even be interested. And then another chance has passed me by and I'm still holding that person at a distance, despite wanting the opposite.

One day though. I'm getting there.... One day.

Tldr; people scare me, and I reject myself for them before they get the chance. Less so if they're removed by a computer screen. Working on it though.

Still singin

I've been in Colorado for a bit over a year now. I really like it here. I'm not sure how much of that is because I chose this, because I do still feel like a city's a city and where you're at physically isn't as important as where you're at mentally and emotionally. But regardless, I do love Colorado. So there's that.

Life always seems to have lots of ups and downs and this last year has been no exception. Currently in a bit of a precarious financial position, doing my best to change that. Pretty happy with me and who I am. Unsure on the relationship front. My emotions have been a bit all over the place lately, but I do know that I'll be okay in the end, one way or another. I don't post here enough, but would rather post less than post a bunch of things only my (quite wonderful) grandma would want to read. I could have said all those things a year ago, or two years ago. The lyrics might change and yet the melody remains the same.

This blog needs more food pictures. Have some spicy Japanese curry.

Oh yeah, life goes on...

... long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 

Or so they say.

I disagree.

Keep the thrill of livin' alive, and life goes on. 

Bad Pun is Bad.

3:15 AM.
High on caffeine. Have to get up early in the morning to go look at apartments. Don't care. Was joking with Mouse that I'll be a zombie tomorrow; I'll be all "I liked that place, let's move into that one," and they'll be all "Crystal, that was a dumpster." But the caffeine was a good idea, drank in the cause of cheering up a good friend. Worth it.

I am dancing in my seat as I write this. Dragula by Rob Zombie is playing on my itunes and I turned it up loud. Don't worry, it's in my headphones. I don't even think I like Rob Zombie, but this song makes me happy. Zak sings along to it when it comes on in his car, and he sounds really badass. I love listening to him sing, even when he's off-key, because he has fun, but he's never off-key when he sings this song, and he enjoys it, so it makes me smile and enjoy the song. That was a long sentence. I should break it up into like... 3, but I won't, because I totally would have said that in one big long caffeinated breath.

So yeah. Colorado. It's cool. Haha get it, it's cool? Like... it's colder and I- ... derp. ^_^ People keep asking me how I like it. Really, it's not all that different. A city's a city. There are people. And buildings. Okay, that's not true... I *did not* like southern Cali at all. But I was happy there, because there were people I cared about and such. I think I could be happy most anywhere, s'long as I'm me.

Huzzah! Found a really old poem I wrote...

While packing, I've been going through papers and such, revisiting old memories. Many make me smile. Some make me nostalgic. One brought tears to my eyes. These boxes contain the physical record of my life, and while some of it is painful, all are important pieces contributing to who I am today.

The best thing so far... I found an old literary magazine put out by my high school back in 2002. Inside, I found something infinitely precious to me - a poem I wrote when I was 13, which I had previously believed to have been forever lost when I had to leave behind most of my things a couple of years later. I look at it now and want to reach back in time to the lonely, sad, lost girl I was then and tell her that everything will be all right, that she will have so many people in her life who love her and she will be happy, and thank her for hanging in there and making me me.

I wrote this poem so long ago... looking at it now, I see many ways in which I could edit and improve upon it - some of the words I used to make a rhyme scheme make me cringe now - but somehow, I think it's better to leave it as is.

Shattered Innocence

She came into this world, 

expecting everything to be fair,

treating every person

with infinite care.

She came into this world, 

smarter than most

but at the same time naive,

thought nobody would lie, cheat, or boast.

She came into this world,

as a delicate flower

drinking in the knowledge

that would lead to power.

She came into this world

knowing that nothing could make her pretend

that she was who she wasn't

so nobody called her their friend.

She came into this world, 

loving, just, kind and alone

But in a world like ours,

she could only learn a hateful tone.

Leavetaking (draft)

I smile, you smile back

Hugs are exchanged

"This isn't the end, we'll meet again."

Although we both know it is and we won't.

'tis the fate of friendships

built upon convenience.

It's not intentional but it's true.

But don't let that negate 

this all but unnoticed transfer of pieces

making us more than we were before

A featherlight brush upon our souls

Made no less meaningful by its subtlety.

So if in 10 years you don't remember my name

nor I yours...

it will be okay.

For our hearts will retain this minute impression

from the ones we've called friends.