No, I meant IRL

Okay, first off, a tangent. Why did I ever think it was a good idea to shower right before bed? My mind races through so many topics, half of them things I'd like to write about, every time I shower. But it's bedtime. That was a terrible idea. But it was also the recommendation of my doctor, back when I had the horrible period of insomnia during which I barely slept for over a month. And I have to say, although many of his suggestions sounded utter rubbish, they did help with the sleep issues.

But that's not what I wanted to write about. Well, not in this post.

The acronym IRL confuses me. Anyone who spends any time on the internet (and I'm assuming you do, dear reader, since, well...) probably knows this stands for In Real Life. I find it especially perplexing when people use this to distinguish their social relations offline vs online. Real Life versus what, exactly? There's nothing any less real about the people on the other side of the computer screen than the people I meet face to face. And if I'm being perfectly honest, I myself am a lot more genuine online than offline. Oh, I choose happy either way. I try to exude positive and make the people around me happy by being there, both online and offline. Whether or not I succeed is another story. But I try. However, online, there are a handful of people with whom I've built rather solid relationships, people who I trust to be real friends to me. With these people, when I'm struggling to deal with things, I can talk about it. I don't need to be Happy with them. I'm not afraid that they'll mock me if I say something dumb, or hate me if I say something careless, or abandon me if I venture beneath the surface of matters, or for whatever reason decide I'm not good enough. At some point or another, I decided to let down my guard with them, and the tangled, tea-infused mess they saw beneath my surface was met with love and compassion.

Now, I'm not saying I don't have any offline friends who I feel completely accepted by, by any means. However, I would say that they are fewer, and much more difficult to establish that trust with. Either way I'm quick to interpret people's reactions to me negatively, and yet, there seems to be so much more room for that in face to face relationships, for me. I'd like to become comfortable with people offline, I really would. There are a few people at work who I think I could become close friends with, if I gave it half a chance. And yet, the idea of starting that process seems an insurmountable challenge, and I find myself doubting whether or not the other party would even be interested. And then another chance has passed me by and I'm still holding that person at a distance, despite wanting the opposite.

One day though. I'm getting there.... One day.

Tldr; people scare me, and I reject myself for them before they get the chance. Less so if they're removed by a computer screen. Working on it though.