...and not in a digging-in-the-freezer-and-finding-an-ice-cream-bar-you-didn't-realize-you-still-had-which-is-still-absolutely-delicious kind of way. ... unfortunately.
Recently, I did something which I am not proud of... at all. I acted in a stupid, selfish manner, and in so doing hurt a dear friend while thoroughly muddling things up. After spending a bit indulging in a depressive spiral of self hatred which was not conductive to anything other than making me physically ill, I've come to a more realistic appraisal of events. Rather than telling myself that I'm an awful, horrible person, I recognize that there were contributing situational factors and that if I was indeed such a terrible person, I wouldn't feel so badly. I'm not one to make excuses for myself though. I acted in a manner which does not fit my self concept, in more ways than one, and I am disappointed in myself.
So what am I going to do about this? Well, I'd like to say that I'll recognize that I'm not perfect, not be more harsh on myself than necessary, and learn from this. Hopefully that's how it goes. Right now I'm still in a funk though. There are a lot of other things going on, and my ability to face them head on and keep right on skipping is severely hampered by not being happy with me.
On the flip side, interestingly enough, I can understand something which I didn't before. Yep, always analyzing. Last year, someone who was one of my best friends did something that hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, and drive a wedge into my cracks, and he did it anyways. In the end, it's what he needed to do. I don't begrudge him that, for although there were some unwise decisions made, they weren't made out of malice or any such. Afterwards, he apologized profusely, and told me how much he hated himself. I appreciated the apology, but didn't understand why he took it to the level he did or how he could possibly think I'd want to hear that he hated himself because of something involving me. After all, I understood why what happened did, and would never want anyone I care about to hate themselves. But now I get it, far better than I'd ever have liked to. Maybe this will make a me a better, more understanding individual. I'd like to think so. Probably just means I think too much though. Meh.
It's part of the journey, if we were exactly who we want to believe we are and had zero conflict in character and no inner turmoil we wouldn't be human, we'd have no need for spirituality or free thinking or anything. Messing up is something even the most perfect seeming person grapples with. True grace isn't the forgiveness of others, but the ability to really forgive yourself.
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